Healthy Holiday Conversations
A topic that is front and center for many of us at this time of year is how to successfully navigate holiday gatherings - especially when it comes to sensitive topics such as politics. I’m reminded of a recent conversation with a pastor who shared that within their congregation it can sometimes feel as though the aisle that runs down the middle of the sanctuary also serves as a dividing line between groups with opposing views and beliefs. For this pastor, and maybe for you, the thought of discussing anything remotely “political” feels like it might only serve to further deepen the divides we observe around us. As a result, we see the best (and maybe only) course of action as avoiding these conversations at all costs.
I wonder, however, if time in this time in which we gather together, give thanks, and celebrate, we might reconsider our approach to these potentially fraught conversations. What if the dinner table could be a place to be curious rather than a place to be angry?
The Power of Listening
One of the first skills I learned during my training as a psychologist was how to listen. As a central part of this learning, we discussed the distinctions between hearing and listening. Hearing is the unconscious act of simply perceiving sound by the ear. For those of us who are not hearing impaired, hearing just happens. Listening, on the other hand, is a conscious act. We must choose to listen because listening requires concentration and focus. And it is through listening that learning can happen. To think about it another way: We hear with our ears; we listen with our heads and our hearts.
Active listening is a key factor in the development of healthy and trusting relationships. It is not about listening in order to craft a rebuttal or to share your perspective but rather to understand more deeply. Active listening is a skill that involves focusing on what you are hearing and then reflecting that back to the speaker to be sure that you are truly comprehending what they are trying to communicate. It can be as simple as commenting: “So what I hear you saying is … Did I get that right?” This can be a powerful way to challenge our assumptions and move towards greater empathy.
Now, I’m not guaranteeing that this strategy works with everyone. Listening is a two-way street; I’m sure you can think of a person (or many people) who will be at your table who would struggle to offer you the same courtesy of listening that you might be willing to extend to them. I challenge you, though, to consider having a conversation who may have a different perspective than you and who would be open to doing this (challenging) work of listening for a few moments over coffee and pumpkin pie.
In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul extols, “Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” May we be guided by this kindness around our dinner tables and within our worship spaces as we enter the holiday season.
